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Self Harm
This section contains potentially upsetting material. If you self-harm or have in the past, please make yourself safe before reading this section; it may intensify your urge to harm. Self Harm / Self Injury “Self-injury is an expression of acute psychological distress. It is an act done to oneself, by oneself, with the intention of helping oneself rather than killing oneself. Paradoxically, damage is done to the body in an attempt to preserve the integrity of the mind.”
— Jan Sutton and Deb Martinson (Secret Shame website) Jan, 2003 Why would someone deliberately hurt themselves by cutting, burning, bruising, scratching or picking their skin, hitting themselves, breaking their bones, hair-pulling or any other form of self-injury?
This is the question that seems to be most asked by those who are confronted with a friend, family member, or acquaintance who self harms. WHY?
Ironically perhaps, it’s not a desire to die that drives this act, rather, a means of coping and preventing getting to the overwhelmed point where suicide is the only option (as can be illustrated by the quote above).
In it’s simplest form possible, self harm is a form of coping with extreme emotions, or at the other end of the scale, extreme dissociation, numbness or derealisation/depersonalization. It can provide a connection to the person’s body and reality when their head is off floating somewhere else. In the case of extreme emotions, self harm can provide an outlet, a form of expression when no other is possible. There are as many reasons to self harm as there are self harmers. Everyone is a little different, and their motivations can vary.
However, the one thing all have in common is that the self harm act, whether it be cutting, burning, etc, is not intended to be fatal. It is a form of coping. A means of survival. Yes, it’s dangerous, yes, it’s destructive. And yes, sometimes it is, unintentionally, fatal. But for many people, this is the only way they know how to cope, their only means of understanding and processing the storm of emotions (or lack of) that is occurring in their bodies and lives.
And, quite simply, it works. Everyone does what they do for a reason, there are no meaningless acts. When we find an activity that helps us, naturally we repeat it, because it’s effective. Lots of people around the world find writing in a diary effective for dealing with their emotions, for example. There are many who don’t as well, but I guarantee nearly all of us have at least tried it once. If something doesn’t work, you move on, you find another way. Those who self harm have frequently tried lots of things and have finally found something that works.
It’s often inferred that people who hurt themselves are simply seeking attention. In my experience, most self harmers keep their acts a secret, feeling ashamed at what they’ve done, or at least have been through periods in the beginning where this coping strategy was theirs alone, and not shared with others. Some find it easier to share what they’ve done as time goes by, or perhaps their therapy or treatment demands it. Everyone’s different, but self harm is certainly not attention-seeking behaviour.
It’s a natural, human impulse to seek attention, and everyone does it to varying degrees. Those who do seek attention (by whatever means) do not deserve to be shunned and isolated... these people are seeking attention for valid reasons – often it is the only way they know how to reach out to others or ask for the things they need or want.
In any case, self harm is a reaction to extreme inner pain and distress, or intense dissociation. It is a coping method, and labelling self harmers with the stigma of being ‘attention-seekers’ is not only inaccurate, it’s unhelpful, hurtful and counter-productive.
In the end, self harm is only helpful in the short term. Invariably, another time will come when things are too much, and more hurting is needed to cope. There ARE other ways of coping and dealing with things – they aren’t the same for everyone, but everyone can find a way of overcoming self harm. It IS possible, I am living proof.
If you are hurting yourself, please talk to someone. Yes, it helps, yes, it feels good, but there are so many more options out there and you CAN come to a place where you feel worthy enough to look after your body, rather than punish it. Even if you don’t believe you can do it, trust that I believe you can.
If you know or suspect someone you care for is self harming, please tread carefully. It’s important that the person you love gets support and care, but tackling things the wrong way could lead to the person feeling worse and making more effort to hide their acts from you, effectively driving them ‘underground’, so to speak. It’s vital that your friend doesn’t feel you are judging, blaming or trivializing them, but also important to let them know you care about how they’re FEELING, not just about what they’re DOING. My Experience I began self harming by cutting myself at around the age of 14 years old. It’s taken me years to even be aware of why I did it and exactly how it helped. In times when my life and head was so chaotic I could barely think, self harm became a kind of ‘friend’, someone that I could go to when it got too much, something that would always help.
I saw the blood as a way of letting the emotions out. I had always worn a mask, never revealing my true feelings, keeping everything inside until it literally exploded – the explosions were episodes of self harm. In a way, it was also as though I was confirming that I was indeed alive and real – I bleed so I must be real... The cutting was so effective in bringing me ‘back down to earth’ that I began to rely on it.
Over the years there has been periods of months where I haven’t injured, but also times where I cut myself more than once a day. Last year, I went the longest, 9 months without self harming. After a brief relapse, I have now gone over 4 months without needing to cut, and coping well without it.
In many ways, the cutting was a legacy of chronic low self esteem, feeling unworthy and childhood abuse. I felt that I was to blame for everything, that I was a horrible evil person and deserved to be punished and hurt. In other ways, the cutting was like a re-enactment of my original abuse (wounding), that I repeated in a desperate attempt to gain some control over it and over my life.
As you can see, the reasons around self harm are complex and often overlap. Part of my recovery included identifying exactly why I felt the urge to self harm at a particular time, what exactly I was feeling inside, and what I desired to achieve through the act. Sorting out the whole process into bite size pieces like this helped me to become more aware of what triggered me to self harm, as well as opening up options to other possible ways to achieve relief – all this instead of just automatically going through the motions because ‘I needed to.’
It’s a long road, and I had a lot of help from those around me, but things are on their way up and getting better each day. It’s possible for everyone who self harms to find their way through the maze and out the other side – please ask for help, you are worth it. |
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This intel was contributed by rylah
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May, 2012
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